Benjamin Myers

Salford, 1986

Manchester’s Second Most Eligible Bachelor

I’ve worked my way through all the horrors. I started in ‘82 with An American Werewolf In London, then I moved onto the nasties and it has been three films a week ever since.

I’ve seen stuff that the general public can’t get their hands on. Under the counter, like. Roy sorts me out: I Spit On your Grave, Cannibal Ferox, Cannibal Holocaust – all of that lot.

Some of them are on Betamax, so now that I’ve moved the engine parts out the living room I have two video players, one stacked on top of the other. I’ve got a little fridge in there and sometimes when I can’t be bothered to move in the middle of a film I’ll piss in a cup. It’s one of the benefits of being Manchester’s second most eligible bachelor. Morrissey’s the first of course – it said so in our kid’s Smash Hits. Moz said he wanted to play the field a bit before he settled down.

The amount I’ve spent on video rentals I could probably have bought myself a souped-up Kawasaki.

People reckon Texas Chainsaw… is bad but I thought it were funny, me. The bit where Leatherface comes bumbling through the house and the lass is trying to run away, and he puts her on the meat-hook….it always made me laugh, that bit. It just weren’t realistic.

I’m on the martial arts now. Bruce Lee’s not all he’s cracked up to be. Chuck Norris could have him, easy. That bit where he gets killed at the colosseum at the end of Way Of The Dragon…that just weren’t realistic either. Chuck would panel Lee, I reckon, but it’s all scripted you see.

Mind, there’s a guy I know in Hulme called Shuggie who could have them both, no bother. I’ve seen him karate chop breezeblocks with his head. He can’t see colours as a result.

Comments are closed.