Benjamin Myers

Salford, 1986

The Salford Terminator

Kwik Save is further than the others but you can get four cans of LCL for £1.80 up there.

I like the exercise, me. Someone told us that LCL stands for “Low Calorie Lager” so when people ask how it is I maintain my impressive physique I tell them it’s down to a low calorie diet and regular elbow-bending.

I bet Schwarzenegger would walk to Kwik Save. Actually, he probably has someone fetch his cans for him while he’s pumping iron. If it was me running the errand for him I’d say “I’ll be back…” on my way out.

Sometimes I tell people I’m an android assassin full of wires, and once I said “Your clothes… give them to me, now”, just like The Terminator does, but it got me into a spot of bother because I was in a park and there was kiddies on the swings nearby. It was a misunderstanding. I’ve definitely not been back.

After this I’m helping me Mam get rid of some of her old man’s clothes after he done a midnight flit at the weekend. It’s the second fella in eighteen months. These shoes are his. They’re too good to chuck.

They’re Italian, like Paolo Rossi. Like pizzas. Like champagne.

Comments are closed.