Thir’s this new lassie in oor Regi class an she’s a pure mad gothic chick. Her name’s Frieda but she likes gettin cawed Friday, an she’s always wearin black eye liner an bright white foundation an a big mad leather trenchcoat.
Aw the folk in oor class are sayin she looks lik a witch. She come intae school this mornin wi her hair dyed black wi blue streaks through it, an Chris Ross an Chris Russell went up tae her an wur lik that, It’s no Halloween yi know. An then Sammy Campbell an aw his goons startet askin her where her broomstick wis. She didnae say anythin tae them though, an ah thought well done tae you hen fur ignorin them, but then we wur sittin in History an Charlene had tae play the big shot an she wis lik that, D’yi know that in the middle ages they used tae burn folk lik you, an then the lassie run oot the class greetin.
Ah tolt Charlene ah thought she wis a sad cow. Ah said, How wid you like it if you wur the new lassie an evrubdy ripped the piss ootae you cause ae whit yi wore. Aye well, she said, She shouldnae dress lik she’s jist stepped oot a bat mobile nen should she. Ah remindet her aboot the time wi went tae the primary six Halloween party an wi aw had tae dress up an Charlene’s ma went an forgot tae make her outfit, so she jist cut three holes in a black bin bag an tolt Charlene tae go as a tramp. Aye well, said Charlene, her face wis pure trippin her, At least ah don’t choose tae call masel Freaky Friday.
Charlene apologised tae Frieda. She said it wis jist a joke. Ah thought she wis jist shitin hersel in case the lassie went tae Guidance aboot her, but then she surprised me by gettin her tae go tae packed lunches wi us. Ah said tae Charlene later on, That wis dead nice whit yi did there. Did whit when where, said Charlene. Ah said, Invitin Frieda tae come wi us even though she’s no really oor type a person. Widyi mean no oor type a person, said Charlene. Well she can be a bit creepy at times, ah said, Know how she’s pure intae aw that wantin tae read yir future an stuff. Ah think she’s pure brand new, said Charlene. Dae yi. Aye. Ah nearly fell on ma back when she said that, an ah startet huvin visions ae Charlene wi blue streaks through her hair an haudin a crystal ball.
Charlene said, Dae yi know she’s a pagan. Whit’s a pagan, ah said. Charlene looked at me an rolled her eyes an said, Honestly Kirsty ah don’t know how sumdy as brainy as you can be dead stupit at times. Ah said, Jist tell us. She said, See Friday. Ah said aye. She can dae white magic.
Charlene’s right intae her starsigns these days. Ah don’t really believe in aw that but ma ma always reads her horoscope so ah know a wee bit aboot them. Charlene said tae me this mornin, Yi can well tell ah’m a Pisces, she said, Cause ah’m dead good at swimmin an ah’m pure artistic. Charlene is brilliant at drawin an stuff but then so’s her ma an her ma’s birthday’s December. Ah said, Whit am ah then. She said, Aries. Naw. Gemini. Naw. The wan that’s the horse ah forget whit it’s called. Naw. Whit are yi then. Taurus. Ah wis gaunnae say Taurus, said Charlene. Aye right. Aye, she said, Taurus are full a bullshit.
Friday’s a Pisces an aw, she said, That’s how wur pure suitet tae each other as pals. Aw aye, ah said. Aye that’s how she’s dead good at makin up stories in English cause Pisces folk are dead creative. Is that right, ah said. Ah thought tae masel, ah think that Frieda’s jist good at makin up stories full stop
Charlene went an asked Frieda tae sit wi us in R.E. the day. Normally it’s me an Harpreet an Laura Kyle that aw sits thegether but Laura Kyle’s granny jist died so she’s aff school. Charlene keeps askin Frieda aw these questions aboot her dreams an whit dae they mean. She said, Whit dis it mean if yi dream aboot a baby bein born. Wis the baby smilin or wis it cryin, said Frieda. Well sometimes it’s greetin an sometimes it’s awright. A smilin baby means yir gaun tae huv good fortune, said Frieda, But a cryin baby means –
Yir gaunnae huv bad fortune, ah said. Harpreet giggled. Gaunnae shut it, said Charlene. A cryin baby means thir’s gaun tae be forthcomin misfortunes. Oh, said Charlene. Well ah’d a dream the other night an thir wis a baby in it, ah said. Did yi, said Charlene. Aye, ah said, It wis a pure ugly wean an aw an it wis pure climbin up ma bedroom waw an stuff. Honestly, said Charlene. Aye. Here whit dae yi think that means then, she said tae Frieda. Frieda jist sat there wi her face lik a burst couch. Aye it pure gied me the heebie jeebies, ah said, ah think it means ah should never watch that Train Spottin film again.
Charlene an Frieda wur daein the ouija board at dinner time the day. Apparently they spoke tae the spirit ae Charlene’s deid twin. Ah didnae even know Charlene had a twin. Apparently she’d a twin brother called Robbie that died at birth. Charlene got dead upset afterwards an she had tae get sent tae the nurse cause she went an puked up aw ower the Geography room floor.
Laura Kyle wis back at school this mornin. We wur in the library an Charlene an Frieda wur makin a ouija board an they wantet me an Harpreet tae dae it wi them. Harpreet didnae want tae. Ah suppose it’s against your religion, said Charlene. She didnae say it nasty though fur wanst but Harpreet jist walked away fae her. Ah said ah didnae want tae dae it either. How no, said Charlene, You urnae religious. Ah don’t fancy it, ah said. How no but, said Charlene, You should jist try it.
Frieda ripped the middle pages ootae Laura’s English jotter an startet writin the letters ae the Alphabet in a semi circle; then she wrote the numbers wan tae ten doon at the bottom an next tae that she put the words OUI an JA. Ah need a ring off somebody. Ah ring, said Laura, Widyi need a ring fur. Cause ah’ve not got a glass, said Frieda. Widyi need a glass fur, said Laura. Frieda said, Will yi please shut up yir disturbin the spirits. Aye, said Sammy Campbell, Yi better watch or Charlene’s deid twin’ll come back an haunt yi. Frieda nearly shat hersel when Sammy stuck his heid oot fae behind the bookshelf. Aha, he said, Yi didnae see that comin did yi witchypoo. Ah wis temptet tae laugh but Frieda wis pure ragin; she wis pure shakin wi anger an it remindet me ae that time Chris Rice had a seizure.
Whit dae you want, she said. Ah want tae see yees daein it. Daein whit we’re no daein anythin. Aye yees are, said Sammy, Yees are daein the ouija board ah seen it. He snatched the bit ae paper aff the table an startet wavin it aboot. Give it back now, said Frieda. How. Because ah said. Whit yi gaunnae dae curse me ya witch. Miss Thin, the skinny librarian came ower an tolt us tae be quiet. Fine, said Frieda, Yi can watch but yi better not start any crap. Who me, said Sammy; He sat doon at the table next tae Charlene an clasped he’s hauns. Ah’m no daein it if he’s here, said Charlene; her face wis pure white as a sheet. Ah’m no daein it either, said Laura. Ah’m no daein it ah’m no daein it, said Sammy, Wooooo ghosties.
Frieda smoothed the ouija board oot on the table. Ring please, she said tae Charlene. Ah thought Charlene wis gaunnae burst cause she disnae let anywan touch her jewellery. She nearly broke some lassie’s fingers wan time cause she liftet her RFC ring oot the PE valuables box by accident. Here how dae yi no use wan ae yir ain rings, ah said tae Frieda, cause she wis sittin there wi umpteen silver yins on her fingers. She never answert me. Eh, ah said, Whit’s up wi usin yours. Kirsty, said Charlene, Gaunnae stop askin stupit questions, she said, then she took aff her gold sovvy ring an pit in the centre ae the ouija board.
Sumdy needs tae keep edgy man, said Laura. There’s Harpreet’ll dae it, ah said. Harpreet wis staunin at the bookshelf behind us kiddin on she wis readin a French dictionary. Heh Harpreet gaunnae keep edgy fur the noo. Who’s Edgy, she said, an Laura an me startet laughin. Never mind, ah said, Jist watch fur Miss Skinny pins.
Frieda tolt us aw tae put the tips ae wur index fingers on the ring. An don’t any of yi move it, she said. Aye an how dae we know you’re no movin it. She drew me a dirty look. Concentrate, she said. We sat fur aboot five minutes wi wur fingers on the ring an nothin wis even happnin. Sammy Campbell said, This is a pure pile a shite. Shhh, said Charlene. O spirits of the ouija board, said Frieda. Sammy sniggert. Is anyone there. Nothin happent still. O spirits dis anyone huv a message fur us. The ring moved tae yes. Who do yi huv a message for. The ring moved again an it landet at K. Kyle, said Charlene. K fur Kyle. Oh, said Laura. What is your name, said Frieda, her haun wis shakin as the letters G, R an A wur spelt oot an ah wis positive she wis the wan that wis makin it go. GRAN, said Charlene, That’s your gran. Aw fur god’s sake, ah said, an ah went tae lift ma haun away. KIRSTY said Charlene, DON’T. Ah said, It’s a load a rubbish.
The ring moved dead fast an spelt oot KIRST BEWARE but by that time ah knew it wis aw a wind up cause ah could pure see Frieda leanin right intae the table. Apparently Laura Kyle’s gran is happy an she’s wi her wee dog that died years ago. She gied Laura an Charlene intae trouble fur smokin an tolt Charlene tae say hullo tae her ma fur her. She also said a lot ae other things: Laura Kyle’s ma wis comin intae money, sumdy that wan ae us knew wis gettin married, an Charlene’s ma wis gaunnae have a wean.
Ah had tae go tae the hospital this mornin cause a fell on the landin an fractured ma wrist. When ah went back intae school Charlene wis pure freakin oot aboot it: she said she’s never daein the ouija board again an she solt her ring tae Wully McCoy fur a fiver cause she thinks it’s hauntet. Frieda still willnae admit that she made aw the stuff up even though Sammy an Laura think she’s a liar anaw. Charlene believes everythin Frieda says though, especially noo cause she jist fun oot that her ma’s pregnant.