I stole Mrs. Gavinchy’s car. I didn’t know it was hers, I robbed it from the multiplex carpark because Harvey Slade bought scrap metal and I thought if I gave it him for free maybe he\u2019d take me out for a drink or whatever. But when Harv saw the car he was all, I can’t do shit with that, you mad bitch, that’s the fuckin Home Ec teacher’s ride. Oh yeah, I said, haha, and actually it did totally smell of rice pudding which was all Gavinchy ever did with the Year Tens: it was like all I could cook. So then I had to return the car, which was harder than actually nicking it, because everyone’s on the lookout, aren\u2019t they? Harvey said to skip school and go at half eleven in the morning because the cops are all on break then. And because he was nearly twenty and had all the answers, I drove up just like that, foot down on the main road, the radio up loud like I didn’t give multiple shits who saw me. Only really I was pissing myself because I’d not got a license and I’d never even driven in daylight before and I should’ve been in Home Ec getting my rice on or whatever instead of stalling at the lights outside Shauna\u2019s Sex Supplies. And then there was Harvey coming out of Shauna\u2019s with a paper bag in one hand and the other arm wrapped around that posh bint from M&S with her hair pinned up the sides of her head like Krispy Kremes. Like Princess whatsherface. I mean who does she think she is? I\u2019m the one taking risks here. They’re walking out in front of me like they\u2019ve never looked left or right in their lives, so I budge the car on a bit, just thinking to sort of tap her, serve her right the sneaky heifer, give her a wobble, but she properly goes down and Harv starts shouting. He sees me and he drags me out, starts hitting me, going Janey what the fuck you cunt, and I\u2019m letting him, there\u2019s my blood all over his hand and I lick it, and then somebody\u2019s yelling and hauling him off and there\u2019s sirens and I\u2019m shouting Harv wait, but then some toff I don\u2019t know is holding my arm going Miss you\u2019ll need to give a statement and I\u2019m thinking like fuck I will, and the ambulance pulls up and there\u2019s this massive fuss with machines and trolleys, and then suddenly nobody\u2019s holding onto me. So I wipe myself off and walk quickish into Aldi and out by the loading bay and when I reach the school it\u2019s the tail end of double Home Ec. I slip inside in time to help Gavinchy with the washing up. She looks knackered but she says Janey love are you all right? And I say I just really hate rice pudding, and she says honey I know exactly what you mean.<\/p>\n
Naomi the tattoo girl wants to know, who\u2019s Dina? Nobody, I say. Nobody, she says, and I go, Jesus, all right, it\u2019s my Ma, isn\u2019t it, if you like have to know. Bloody hell, she says, that\u2019s harsh. She\u2019s already traced it out, but, so she can\u2019t tell me to leave. I give her this don\u2019t-fuck-with-me look and she shrugs and starts on the fill. Her fingernails are well grubby. If this goes septic I\u2019m coming back and twatting her. Then I\u2019m going to the place behind the chip shop and getting Naomi\u2019s A Skank on the other arm. What\u2019ll your Da say, she asks next. I dunno, I say, I have to work out which one he is, first, don\u2019t I? How\u2019s that, she says, and I go, well if Dina can\u2019t tell herself, makes it tricky for me, don\u2019t it? Oh, says Naomi, right. She looks at the lettering. She\u2019s onto the S now. Won\u2019t be much longer, she says. Whatever, I say. It\u2019ll be all right, she says. Yeah, I say. Like, sure. And I look down at the ink. The D\u2019s not right. The whole thing looks weird. Stupid. Wishy-washy. Seriously, she says, honey, are you okay? I swallow the sick that\u2019s come up and I nod. But I still feel off by the time I get home. Da\u2019s already there. I mean Steve. Steve\u2019s already there. He opens the door. He says, Christ almighty, Janey. He\u2019s looking at my sleeve where there\u2019s blood soaking through the cotton because I peeled off the cling-film to look even after she warned me not to. He\u2019s looking right at it but all he says is, where the fuck have you been? I say, nowhere. Nowhere, he says, and do they have clocks there? Your Ma\u2019s been slaving. Get in the fucking kitchen! Okay, I say, but I run up the stairs instead. Oy! He\u2019s shouting: Janey! You get back down here! For fuck\u2019s sake! Now he\u2019s thumping after me, only I\u2019ve slammed the bedroom door and now I\u2019m ripping off my cardigan and it\u2019s like I\u2019ve skinned myself. I\u2019m going oh shit oh shit oh shit. Where the hell are your manners, he\u2019s yelling, rattling the handle, you ungrateful little cow.<\/p>\n
I was texting Jason saying meet me in Burger King when the pram rolled down the hill and into the road. I put my phone away and ran after. A Honda Civic swerved and smashed into this mint new Merc. Everybody was like screaming. This woman at the lights was all the baby, Jesus God, the baby! So I pushed in and hauled the pram out and showed her there wasn\u2019t a baby, it was just Jason\u2019s fireworks for the New Year\u2019s street party. He\u2019d got them online from like Korea. And the Honda guy was getting sick on the footpath and the Merc guy was yelling at him. The lights woman said to me, what the fuck. I said hey look it\u2019s not even my pram, I got it off Erica, so back off yeah? Erica\u2019s my sister, the one who wants babies even though nothing down there\u2019s working. It was her fella actually gave me the pram: he slipped me a tenner to ditch it on the sly so it wouldn\u2019t keep setting her off bawling. I was on the sly ditching the fireworks too. Last year Jason set fire to the landlord\u2019s hedge with a Catherine\u2019s Wheel and got a final warning. He\u2019s got warnings about all sorts. But now it\u2019s time for starting over. The plan was I\u2019d lob the rockets into the canal, pram and all, and tell Jason we\u2019d been robbed. Then I\u2019d cheer him up with lunch. A tenner in Burger King gets you a proper feast. Only here was the police pulling up, and the Honda guy and the lights woman were all over the fireworks, and the PC with the wonky eye was giving me this look like not you again and I was giving him back the same. Then I took off running. The police legged it after and the Honda man too, I was like the fucking Gingerbread Man tearing through Ancoats, and there was the canal. Well there was nothing else for it so I thought fuck it and I jumped in. Hit the water arse-first. Down then into quiet and cold like you\u2019d never believe. Eyes wide open between one world and the next. For a bit there I didn\u2019t have to worry at all about Jason or Erica. The trolley was there too, sinking, and the fireworks floating off like dead torpedoes. Then up I bobbed, thinking fuck\u2019s sake, covered with green seaweedy party streamer shit, and the people were lined along the bank screaming pull her out, she\u2019ll catch HIV off that filth, but did I see a single one of them diving in after me? I flipped onto my back. Well we\u2019re all starting over. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Economics I stole Mrs. Gavinchy’s car. I didn’t know it was hers, I robbed it from the multiplex carpark because Harvey Slade bought scrap metal and I thought if I gave it him for free maybe he\u2019d take me out for a drink or whatever. But when Harv saw the car he was all, I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":50,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":[]},"categories":[347,346],"tags":[350],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\n