<\/p>\n
hello! I\u2019d forgotten it was you today. I\u2019m all over the place this
\nweek! What\u2019s that? No, no, nothing to worry about. I\u2019ve just
\nchanged my blood pressure meds and I\u2019m not sleeping so well on
\nthese new ones. It was like that when I started on the Statins. Yes,
\nthat\u2019s right. Katy fetched them for me on Tuesday. She usually
\ncomes round Wednesdays and Fridays but I needed the prescription
\nfetching and she\u2019s good like that, with the last-minute emergencies.
\nThat\u2019s right. Yes, she lives on Avenue Road. By the park. See, that\u2019s
\nher there, on the mantelpiece. With Roberts, my son. Do you have
\nchildren? Really? That\u2019s nice. It is, isn\u2019t it? You take a lot of photos
\nof them at that age, but this one has always been my favourite.
\nThere\u2019s just something about it, the two of them, together like that.
\n1974 it was. Aberdovy. We used to stay there every year. Look at it.
\nIt\u2019s lovely isn\u2019t it? Katie has a real twinkle, doesn\u2019t she? She could
\nwrap people around her finger at that age, that one. Still can. Even
\nthen you knew she was going places, she just had that about her.
\nWhereas Roberts\u2026 Look at him there. That\u2019s right, yes. Roberts.
\nWhat\u2019s that? I don\u2019t know really. His real name was David. It started
\nas a nickname and just stuck \u2013 I don\u2019t think he minded though.
\nAnyway, he wasn\u2019t like Katy. He was quiet, withdrawn. You can see
\nit in his eyes even then and he was only four. He wasn\u2019t very happy,
\nyou see. I don\u2019t know why. He\u2019s dead now. He died. Not too long
\nago. About ten years \u2013 let\u2019s see \u2013 nine years and 6 months. Nobody
\nknew why, not really. I mean a lot of people thought they did, a lot
\nof people tried to work out what was wrong with him but no-one
\never got to the bottom of it. There\u2019s too many possibilities these
\ndays if you ask me. Something\u2019s always something else, even when
\nit isn\u2019t. I sometimes think it\u2019s just the luck of the draw, do you know
\nwhat I mean, I said that at the time. Mind you, I don\u2019t think it
\nhelped that Keith was the way he was. Keith. That\u2019s my husband.
\nWell, he was. There he is, at the end, look \u2013 that was taken on our
\nhoneymoon. He shut Roberts out, you see, even when he was a
\nlittle boy. Said he was away with the fairies, couldn\u2019t cope with his
\nways. I always thought that was one of the reasons he left us. I think
\nhe was just too old-fashioned, you know? Wanted us to be
\nsomething else, a different sort of family and Roberts was the final
\nstraw, in a way, not that I feel guilty, you know, not really, not all
\nthe time. It\u2019s just\u2026 Well. It\u2019s hard, isn\u2019t it? What\u2019s that? I\u2019m not
\nboring you am I? That\u2019s good. Because Katy only comes twice a
\nweek, and it\u2019s good to have someone to talk to. Could I have a cup of tea?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
More wine?
\nNo, I\u2019d better not.
\nAre you sure?
\nYes. I\u2019m not a big drinker. It doesn\u2019t agree with me. You go on.
\nGo on then, one more. I\u2019m enjoying this. So what was it you were saying? About when you were younger?
\nJust that there was this golf course, up the road from my school. I used to wag it with some friends, and we\u2019d go there, just sit and talk. Some people hung around on street corners but we liked the golf course. I think we liked it there because it was peaceful, away from other people. I also liked the grass. You know that springy grass you get, on lawns that are really well looked after? Or eaten by sheep, I mean that\u2019s the same thing, I\u2019ve always liked grass that\u2019s been eaten by sheep. It just makes you want to take your shoes off and I love that, walking on short springy grass in bare feet. We did that on the golf course and then we found a spot and we just sat and talked.
\nSounds wonderful! You don\u2019t mind this, do you?
\nMind what?
\nAll these questions. It\u2019s not exactly the sort of thing you\u2019re supposed to talk about on a date, is it?
\nAre we on a date?
\nI think so. Aren\u2019t we?
\nI suppose we are, yes.
\nThat\u2019s right \u2013 play it cool.
\nNo, not at all. I don\u2019t mind. It\u2019s just I hadn\u2019t looked at it like that.
\nSo would you say you got on with people at school? Or were you more of an introvert? I think I\u2019m an introvert.
\nI don\u2019t know really. I liked some of them. <\/p>\n
We went to Whales. It was a long trip and we’d finally arrived. It was the countryside, it had flowers galore and was filled with colourful trees (leaves). I liked to have a stroll down the quiet woods along the pathway. We slept in a tent. There were lots of sheep and there wool was very fluffy. We saw some of there wool on the fence. I wonder why I never got to stroke them? And then when I come to think of it filled me with disapouintment. In the morning we climbed a big hill. It was very steep and the grass was very short. I wondered what it would be like if I fell. Daddy said I should stop but I liked to think about falling all the way down on the short grass.<\/font><\/p>\n The ones you went to the golf course with? The next time you see him \u2013 the next time Of course they had to find him on the beach at Tywyn. Tywyn is a hateful place. There\u2019s so much beauty along that stretch of the coast and then you\u2019re assailed by this ugly little town, all boarded-up arcades and guesthouses with their colour leached by salty wind. It\u2019s the sort of place with violence in its bricks.<\/p>\n We\u2019d walked to Tywyn along the beach from Aberdyfi. For as long as I\u2019ve known him, David had been talking about Aberdyfi, so I thought we should go. He loved it there and I can see why. There\u2018s a terrace full of cafes, all brightly coloured, doing ice cream, a pier where children go crabbing. It\u2019s built against a cliff and you can climb up to a viewing platform and look out across the estuary. It was because of the ice cream that we decided to go for a walk, to stretch our legs, walk it off. In a way, I wish we hadn\u2019t bothered, but that\u2019s the thing isn\u2019t it? You think about the days leading up to what happened and wonder if it might have been different if we\u2019d made different choices, when the truth is everything would have turned out the same, whatever we had done.<\/p>\n It was too late by then. He\u2019d come so far in so many ways \u2013 I was so proud of him for all that he had done, with Thomas especially \u2013 but it was always there. The funny thing is, I knew. I knew as soon as I saw the beach at Tywyn. All the way from Aberdyfi we\u2019d been walking on this expanse of pristine sand, I mean it was beautiful, all you could see were the dunes, a tide line of perfectly smoothed stones and then the sea and the sky. The sea was faraway \u2013 the tide was out \u2013 and it was so peaceful I stopped walking at one point and just stood there looking, lost in the emptiness of it all. I remember thinking it would do David good too, it would do him good to lose himself in that absence, not that he ever could, of course. Then we got to Tywyn and everything changed.<\/p>\n I remember it so clearly. We walked around a headland and there it was, like a different part of the coast altogether. The first thing I saw was that the dunes disappeared. They just stopped. Then I saw a concrete sea wall and these hideous groynes that stretched from the wall to the sea. The sea seemed a lot closer too, even though the tide was out, the waves were smashing into the beach and it was all we could hear. I say beach, I mean I\u2019ve been describing it as a beach but it wasn\u2019t, not really. It was covered in sharp black rocks and rubbish, so much rubbish trapped between the groynes. There were nappies, bottles, cans; empty pots of paint, plastic bags, I mean it was foul.<\/p>\n When we climbed over the first groyne, I started to think about the difference between the beach at Aberdyfi and the beach at Tywyn. Not the way they looked, but the way they came to be as they were, the way the currents in the sea are and how some beaches are completely clean because the currents take the rubbish away from them whereas others, which can be very close by, are covered in rubbish because the currents come together at that point. And the thing is, there\u2019s nothing you can do about it, nothing you can do to change the confluence of the currents, the flow of the sea, nothing you can do to stop all this vile junk from piling up, from washing up on particular beaches, while others stay free of rubbish. Funnily enough it was a very David way of looking at things. That\u2019s one of the things I loved about him, the way he changed the way you saw the world. <\/p>\n The thing is, I sometimes wonder if he knew too. Maybe that\u2019s why he wanted to go back there, I don\u2019t know. I sometimes think he must have, he must have known all his life. Then I wonder what that\u2019s like. Deep down, to know all your life. What must it be like to know?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The Life of Roberts hello! I\u2019d forgotten it was you today. I\u2019m all over the place this week! What\u2019s that? No, no, nothing to worry about. I\u2019ve just changed my blood pressure meds and I\u2019m not sleeping so well on these new ones. It was like that when I started on the Statins. Yes, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":319,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":[]},"categories":[381,379],"tags":[388],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\n
\nYes. Although it wasn\u2019t long before they got bored and started pulling the wings off dragonflies.
\nThere were dragonflies? I love dragonflies!
\nMe too. There was a lake.
\nCool. Not literally I take it.
\nThere was.
\nNot literally pulling the wings off dragonflies.
\nOh. No.
\nAnd would you like to have children yourself? If you don\u2019t mind me asking.
\nNo, I don\u2019t mind. I don\u2019t know. I think it depends if they\u2019re going to be like me.
\nAnd if they are?
\nProbably not.<\/p>\n
\nyou see any of them \u2013 you\u2019re in the Lidl
\ncarpark, carrying some bananas and a
\npacket of wet wipes. Alright mate you say,
\nit\u2019s been a long time. His face is bruised and
\npuffy but you can see a glint in his eye and
\nhe says How\u2019s it going? He can\u2019t know of
\ncourse, that you\u2019re about to tell him; if he
\ndid he wouldn\u2019t have asked \u2013 back in the
\nday you used to joke about some of your
\nmates and how their responses to greetings
\nmade you wish you hadn\u2019t bothered. Yeah,
\nyou know, you say. Not been out much
\nrecently as it goes. Not been to the park in
\nages, not done much of anything. Not like I
\nused to. Did you hear? Yeah, a little boy.
\nTommy. Yeah, I heard, he says, and you wait
\nfor something more but it doesn\u2019t come, so
\nyou say, yeah, I mean I wouldn\u2019t change it
\nfor the world but it\u2019s hard work, you know?
\nDo you remember when you were a kid you
\nwere afraid of the dark, because it seemed
\nto go on forever and hide all sorts of
\nmonsters, and each one of them was more
\nterrifying than you could imagine, I mean
\nyou couldn\u2019t even picture them? Do you
\nremember? Your mate looks backwards and
\nsideways at this, with what passed for the
\nglint in his eye \u2013 on reflection a reflection,
\nas if off glass \u2013 now dulled. Well now I\u2019ve
\nhad Tommy I can see all of them, everything
\nthat\u2019s in there, every last thing, I can see the
\nthings you can\u2019t put into words, the
\nnameless, the unspeakable and they\u2019re so
\nbrilliant it\u2019s dazzling, so vivid they stop you
\nfrom seeing anything else, so bright they
\ndissolve the dark. And the thing is, I can\u2019t
\nswitch them off. Not now, not like I used to.
\nThere\u2019s nothing I can do, they\u2019re there all
\nthe time. Do you know what I\u2019m talking
\nabout? No, you don\u2019t do you. You can\u2019t. You
\nstill switch them off, don\u2019t you, you can still
\nshut the dark out, not let the brilliance in
\nand by now the colour has drained from
\nyour mate\u2019s bruises and he says Got to go
\nand he scuttles off, puffy-faced, stick legs
\ninside Lidl jeans, to hide again from the
\nterrors, and for a moment you wish you
\ncould go back, you think you\u2019d like to go
\nback to how it was, not that it would help,
\nnot now, because whatever you did, now
\nyou have Tommy you can\u2019t unsee it all.<\/p>\n