Whose fault was it? Well, it was Michael Caine\u2019s: John Colby\u2019s if you think about it. He had to have Hatch back on the football team, see. And the only way he could do it was to break the goalkeeper\u2019s arm. He knew the Germans would check it, so it had to be really properly snapped. <\/p>\n
We were bunking off: Liddy and me. And Stace came round with her. One of those \u2018ill\u2019 days all our mums were working so we could easily get away with it \u2013 you know? We just watched videos, that kind of thing. We always kicked off with one of the Disney cartoon films. I picked it that time: Beauty and the Beast<\/em>. Don\u2019t say anything, I know it\u2019s just for kids really. It was Liddy\u2019s favourite though \u2013 I think it was because she was learning it on the flute. Okay. Well, we didn\u2019t watch The Carpenters that day. We put the Michael Caine one on instead. I\u2019d seen it at least ten million times, and so had Liddy, but Stace had never watched it before. Not even when she was a kid! So when it got to the arm-break bit, we kept on rewinding it and making her watch it over and over like we did with the cross scene in The Exorcist<\/em> when the girl asks Jesus to \u2013 you know. It\u2019s not that bad really as you don\u2019t get to see anything, but Stace is squeamish about pretty much everything. Her hands go up to her face and she like, pulls her eyes down and shoves her little fingers right up her nose. Doesn\u2019t even know she\u2019s doing it. It\u2019s so funny to watch. That\u2019s how she got her name: \u2018Pig Face Stace,\u2019 it\u2019s not because she\u2019s ugly, or because of her weight or anything. Even though she\u2019s not exactly anorexic of the century. Don\u2019t look at me like that. <\/p>\n I think it was Liddy who said it. It must have been. I mean, why would Stace or me?<\/p>\n \u2018I wish someone would break my arm,\u2019 she goes. It was so she wouldn\u2019t have to sit for her GCSEs. Her dad wanted her to go to uni: be a music teacher like him. But she just wanted to work with the babies at that nursery up the road. Couldn\u2019t wait to have her own kids, Liddy. She was going to call one after me, and the others \u2013 Faith and Charity. Sad. Don\u2019t you think? We went into the kitchen then. Remember, I told you? Yeah, I\u2019m okay . . . yes. No, thank you. No, honestly, I\u2019m fine. I\u2019m not thirsty. I\u2019ll tell you this though: Liddy knew full well how out of order it was. \u2018Stacey,\u2019 was all she said. All serious. We\u2019d never heard her like that before. Yeah, I did say it. But only as a wind up. I think I went, \u2018If you really want it broken, I\u2019ll do it.\u2019 But you know I was only joking. It was obvious wasn\u2019t it? I mean, all of us knew. Then I said, \u2018Fuck, that was close.\u2019 And Stace went all gigglish like before. I think she even said, \u2018I knew you wouldn\u2019t do it,\u2019 or something equally brilliant. Do you really want me to say it out loud? You might not believe me but I can still hear her scream. It was like . . . sinister. Beautiful or something. She falls down then, holding her hand between her legs. And Stace is just turned away from us. Crying I think. It took forever to get her looked at and x-rayed; bandaged up. She was brilliant. Told them the iron had fallen on it, but before it was plugged in \u2013 that\u2019s why her thumb wasn\u2019t burnt. And they believed her, see. It was what I told her to say, and she said it exactly the same to everyone. Then after like, ages, the first doctor came back to see her before they\u2019d let her go. Escape to victory Whose fault was it? Well, it was Michael Caine\u2019s: John Colby\u2019s if you think about it. He had to have Hatch back on the football team, see. And the only way he could do it was to break the goalkeeper\u2019s arm. He knew the Germans would check it, so it had to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":288,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":[]},"categories":[373,371],"tags":[375],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\n
\n The video shop never had sod all, not fifteens anyway, so we\u2019d end up watching something like The Carpenters\u2019 Story<\/em> that Mum taped years ago and will pretty much kill anyone who tries to record over it.
\n Liddy would do the Richard part and I\u2019d be Karen. And neither of us really knew if the other one was dead into it, or just taking the piss. But we did know most of the words \u2013 the talking as well, not just the songs. Am I going into it too much, or is this what you want?<\/p>\n
\n\t \u2018Your arm\u2019s a bit O.T.T. isn\u2019t it Lydia.\u2019 That\u2019s all I said. Not, like, serious or anything. I always called her Lydia when she said something dumb. Then she\u2019d be like, \u2018Soz, Mum.\u2019 Or if she was mega pissed off: \u2018Soz, God.\u2019
\n And I\u2019m like, \u2018Couldn\u2019t you get away with a couple of fingers \u2013 even just your thumb?\u2019 You know I was joking though, right? I mean, it was obvious I was joking. She did<\/em> know.
\n \tThen she goes, \u2018God you weirdo, I didn\u2019t mean it.\u2019 She definitely said that. Then chucked a cushion at me. What are you writing now? What have you put? Show me. <\/p>\n
\n Liddy opened the patio doors and sparked up an Embassy. I remember that, because she flicked her match on the grass.
\n\t \u2018Pick it up!\u2019 I went. We used to call it the dinner-lady-on-litter-duty voice.
\n\t \u2018You\u2019re mum\u2019s hardly going to spot one little match,\u2019 she goes; something like that. But she put Dad\u2019s slippers on and went outside anyway, as she knew full well Mum would notice.
\n \t\u2018Twos on that,\u2019 I went. You know, to share her fag. And she stuck her tongue out and licked all round the bottom of it. She could be a right bitch.
\n \u2018You can have twos on mine if you like,\u2019 Stace went. Arse lick.
\n I put some toast on. I wouldn\u2019t have had any, but Stace is a greedy cow and Liddy could eat whatever she liked. And I mean anything. Her mum\u2019s exactly the same you know, cream doughnuts, Big Macs.
\n Then I must have gone outside as Stace was there with her mouth all like a duck\u2019s arsehole trying to blow a smoke ring, massively failing.
\n And I was like, \u2018If you\u2019re not going to inhale, then hold it in a bit and breathe it out slower. Otherwise you just look like a twelve-year-old.\u2019
\n And Liddy goes, \u2018Who are you? Miss Nicotine nineteen ninety-two?\u2019 I remember because Liddy never took Stacey\u2019s side. Not because she liked to side with me or anything. It was more about making Stace look like a dick.
\n \u2018Do you think it would really hurt?\u2019 she went then: Liddy.
\n And Stace goes, \u2018You\u2019re not being serious are you?\u2019 In that stupid voice \u2013 exactly like I just did it.
\n \u2018Maybe you could get day-release at the nursery,\u2019 I said, \u2018if you didn\u2019t have to stay on for \u2018A\u2019 levels.\u2019
\n \u2018It\u2019s alright for you, you aren\u2019t even sitting your exams,\u2019 Stace goes, sticking her nose in as usual.
\n \u2018I have<\/em> been pretty ill,\u2019 I said. As if she didn\u2019t already know.
\n And she was like, \u2018If living on fags and breath mints counts as being ill, then maybe you should<\/em> break her hand, then you two can be the retards together.\u2019 That\u2019s what she actually said. Then: \u2018I know, why don\u2019t I pop a zit then I can get out of my GCSEs too.\u2019 <\/p>\n
\n It took me a minute to say anything at all. I mean, it wasn\u2019t like I\u2019d been out of hospital that long. In the end I just said it was because she was jealous, even though only a mum would realistically say that. I asked her what size her<\/em> jeans were. Knew that would get her to shut her face.
\n \u2018I think you\u2019ll find size ten is normal,\u2019 she goes.
\n And I went, \u2018Well, if you say so, Stace. Mine and Liddy\u2019s are age<\/em> ten. But if you like the chubby look, then who are we to pass comment.\u2019
\n I think it changed then. Stace piped down a bit. I think it was because she couldn\u2019t talk and suck her guts in at the same time. <\/p>\n
\n And Stace goes, \u2018You are<\/em> joking?\u2019
\n And I go, \u2018Actually, no.\u2019
\n I mean, obviously I was. I\u2019m not a fucking nut job or anything. But then Liddy wanted to know when we would do it. So I just said, \u2018Now.\u2019
\n I remember Stace laughing. You know, that laugh people do when they see something bad on the news, and it\u2019s so bad they crease up because they don\u2019t know what else they can do.
\n But Liddy ignored her and was all, \u2018What would we use?\u2019
\n And I went to look in the utility room. And I was going to say I couldn\u2019t find anything. To forget it, like. But then I saw it: \u2018What do you two reckon?\u2019 I had this big metal hammer, didn\u2019t I? Steel, I think. \u2018More than a match for skin and bone!\u2019 I said. You should have seen Stacey\u2019s face.
\n \u2018That\u2019s the fellow,\u2019 Liddy went, in that same dumb voice as me.
\n Then Stace was all, \u2018I\u2019m going to puke.\u2019 She put her hand over her mouth and her eyes went all watery. She\u2019s done it loads in drama class.
\n \u2018Okay,\u2019 I went, \u2018just put your thumb on the edge of the table so I know where to line it up.\u2019 I wasn\u2019t really going to do it. Honest I wasn\u2019t. Even when she put her thumb exactly where I said.
\n Then Stacey went and put her hand over the top of it. \u2018Liddy, you know they\u2019ll make you repeat the year,\u2019 she said. \u2018They won\u2019t just let you give up on a proper career.\u2019
\n \u2018Just fuck off if you don\u2019t want to be here,\u2019 I said. \u2018Piss off home and we\u2019ll see you at school tomorrow.\u2019
\n She didn\u2019t move so I just laughed at her; sort of laughed.
\n I lifted my arm. Held it there for a bit. Just held it. <\/p>\n
\n \u2018There\u2019s no placemat,\u2019 I said. \u2018Thank fuck I didn\u2019t trash the table. Mum would have killed me. In fact, I think we\u2019d better use two.\u2019 It was quite funny when you actually think about it.
\n \u2018Please, Liddy, don\u2019t let her do it to you,\u2019 Stacey goes, like I\u2019m some kind of mad serial killer or something. Then she\u2019s begging me in that stupid dumb baby voice: \u2018Please don\u2019t hurt her. Please.\u2019
\n And that was when I did it, see. It was just . . . Stacey. That big fat fucking mouth. <\/p>\n
\n Well, Liddy puts her hand on top of the mats and nods at me. And Stace closes her eyes, and Liddy closes hers too. And I do it. I hit her. But it\u2019s not hard enough. Not enough to break it anyway. She really fucking squeals though. Grabs it with her other hand.
\n And I\u2019m like, \u2018I\u2019m sorry. I didn\u2019t do it right.\u2019
\n \u2018What?\u2019 she goes. And she\u2019s like, taking her thumb out and looking at it.
\n It was bright red. The skin was all peeling. You could see a bruise coming, but that was it.
\n \u2018Shit,\u2019 Liddy goes. \u2018Shit \u2013 shit \u2013 shit.\u2019 She must have said it at least ten times.
\n And I go, \u2018Come on. Stick it back on the table.\u2019 Otherwise I\u2019ve just walloped the shit out of her for no reason, haven\u2019t I?\u2019
\n \u2018No,\u2019 Stacey goes.
\n And I go, \u2018Yes!\u2019 And Liddy kisses her thumb. I reckon she smiled as well before she put it back down.
\n I\u2019m like, \u2018You know you don\u2019t have to?\u2019 It sort of felt past the moment, you know? I really needed a fag. I need one now actually. Is it okay if we stop?<\/p>\n
\n \u2018Liddy.\u2019 I say it, you know, gently. And I\u2019m trying to stroke her shoulders, like a bit of a massage. \u2018I just want to look at it. Please, Liddy.\u2019 And I\u2019m stroking her hair too, even though she\u2019s acting kind of mental. Then she gets up and sort of hobbles to the bathroom: starts to heave. Keeps on heaving but nothing comes except more screams. And it\u2019s like the room is actually<\/em> spinning, and not just one of those things people say.
\n And I phone Dad\u2019s office. It\u2019s exactly what I planned, but it feels like it\u2019s real. I tell him there\u2019s been an accident and he says he\u2019ll come straight away. So I just grab Liddy and sit her down with me at the bottom of the stairs. Put my arm around her, with her<\/em> still bawling her eyes out. And, I know this is mean, but all I\u2019m thinking is please God don\u2019t let her show me that manky thumb.
\n Stace gets up to go then. She looks at me like I\u2019ve just drowned her kitten or something, but she wouln\u2019t grass on us or anything. She wouldn\u2019t dare. Liddy calms down eventually, and lets me dry her eyes with my sleeve. And both of us, we just sit. Her and me. Just like next year when Stacey goes off to college. <\/p>\n
\n \u2018Are you right-handed?\u2019 he went. And when she says yes, he says she won\u2019t be
\ndoing any writing for at least three weeks. Then he leaves and I ask if she\u2019s happy now. And she holds up her arm, like she\u2019s doing a thumbs up, only she doesn\u2019t actually need to put her thumb up or anything, as it\u2019s already stuck like it in her cast; all shiny and white. And clean. And that\u2019s when I thought about it \u2013 what I might write: something not too brilliant, not too dumb. I thought maybe I\u2019d write something like, \u2018Get well soon.\u2019<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"